It is time to record the events of my life in some sort of dramatic fashion. TV movie? In the past week my computer crashed, I was in a tornado, and I was arrested in my pajamas.

My computer crashing was incredibly disheartening. I love my computer, but I suppose it has had four long years of good health and travel. It is really a good long life for a laptop. My internet started to run slow, so I downloaded adaware by Lavasoft. It asked to restart and never came up out of it. Blue screen of death. Sigh. Any way, tragic, but I’ll manage. My roommate Alana was gracious enough to let me borrow one of her laptops. So, not the end of the world.

On Friday I came home from work and decided to take a little nap, and as soon as I started to nod off this alarm sounded instructing everyone to find shelter. WHAT THE FOWL BALL! Um, I’ve never encountered anything like this before. I was alone, and in a second story apartment. I got in the bathtub with a blanket… wind and rain got real bad for a minuet or two and then the sun came out. Crazy! Not altogether terrible, just … uh, thrilling in a non positive sense.

Ok, let me preface this next bit… I’m not making excuses or complaining… I just want to explain that I’m not a social deviant or irresponsible. I’m trying really hard not to be any way. Money is taboo, and a more personal subject than what I’d like to talk about, but for whatever reason I just feel like spilling. It is beneficial to share such things because it is humbling to do so.

Since I came back from South Africa I’ve been sort of trying to re-establish myself back in the states; which means I’ve got a place to live, and a phone number, car, job, church, and friendships… etc. I don’t know why, but I think I sort of expected for everything to come together quickly. I had these steps for moving forward… but not everything goes to plan, and I have repeatedly fallen for the idea that I have total control over my life. I moved to Arkansas in order to sort of live on my own, and maybe that was prideful of me? Or a mistake? Or maybe it just seemed right so I did it. I don’t know, but when I came here everything worked out fairly quickly. I am living with my good friend Alana in a furnished apartment. I got a job right away at a toy store. I even got a raise on my first day! But a month or so in my hours got cut from forty to fifteen a week. I can’t live on that. I didn’t get my car tags or license changed over because I simply couldn’t afford to do it. So then I got a ticket for $130. Does that make sense to you? Any way, It took about a month, but I finally got a job at Walgreens. It isn’t very glamorous, but it is full time. I could spend hours telling you all about the randomness I’ve learned while being there. Like for example we sell Tim McGraw’s cologne which contains aged whiskey in it. Ha! Seriously! We also sell cologne that contains real human pheromones in it. There is a wide scope of folks who shop at Walgreens, so there is never a dull moment really. I work with two women who are also exotic dancers. I am generally in the photo department, which is good because I’m pretty much rubbish at finding things out on the floor. We carry a lot of stuff! I mean a lot! I have no visual memory whatsoever, so I’ve started making little songs about where products are located. Like an aborigine crossing the never-never, ‘chapsticks’ fine on isle nine. Tra-la-la.’ Any way, I digress…

I was sitting in my living room in my pajamas watching The Terminal. I’ve been working the night shift lately, so yes I was still in my pajamas at about two in the afternoon. There was this loud bang on the door, and when I answered it there was a police officer with a warrant for my arrest for expired tags and an overdue ticket. It wasn’t so awful really. He was very nice, and didn’t put me in handcuffs or make me ride in the patty wagon. There were no big dogs or chase scenes. What’cha gonna do? He came in and had some sweet tea, and asked me questions, and listened nicely. Luckily I’m pretty fastidious and I showed him my financial records and budget plan. I really am working hard. I’m paying my rent and student loans. I don’t go out. I make my own meals, even though I really crave chick-fil-a sometimes. For the most part I only drive to and from work. I’m trying! Really! That feels rather pathetic to say. I just don’t’ know what else I could have done. I tried pawning my camera, but they wouldn’t take it. Lol. He was kind and released me… I didn’t get upset or cry or anything like that. I really feel ok about everything. I can honestly say that I’m doing my best. I’m almost there.

I’ve been learning all of this since before I went to South Africa. God provides. He just does, and whatever it is that I think I am doing to provide for myself… that is Him too. He gives and takes away. It is continuously frustrating, as is the nature of refinement I suppose, but it is good. I feel pathetic often, but that is ok when I think about the way He has cared for me.

I don’t think any of this last bit is very coherent. Um… I’m not feeling sorry for myself, and I don’t have my head in the clouds thinking all I have to do is sit back and everything I need will land at my feet (although I sometimes I ask for that because I believe He wants to give to us that way sometimes.) I often get myself in messes and have to face consequences/chastening; quite frequently actually, and I take full responsibility for that junk, but I don’t believe this to be one of those experiences. Um… I just wanted to share some of this. I’ve encountered so many folks with unrealistic ideals about what ministry is; noble and exotic and easy. Well, I’m here to tell you it is down and dirty business… because what you give whole heartedly to the Lord he breaks and then conforms. There are times of abundance… really, even monetarily so, but also really rough humbling getting arrested in your pajamas times. In the end that pearl of great price is still worth it all.

The clanging cymbal is the new banging gong. I am usually one or the other… depends on which is in fashion at the moment. I consider myself more enlightened than many of the folks around me. I roll my eyes on Sunday mornings when the preacher moralizes against backsliding and getting your spirit in shape. I hate twelve step programmed faith. I am appalled by racism and bigotry.  I’m infuriated by political sermons. My heart grieves that there is a religious controlling spirit running amuck in many many churches; wolves, salesman, and thieves. So what do I do about it? I bitch. I study up so I can argue with folks about how my way is right. I roll my eyes and thank God I’m not as blind and outdated as all of them. Don’t I have the right to be angry?! Jesus turned over tables didn’t he?!

I think I like to grumble and shout truth and call it turning over tables. I think I have the right to be appalled, angry even when I recognize lies, but I wonder if my reaction is trading one sort of imprisoning extreme for another. Jesus talks an awful lot about a Kingdom. I happen to believe its borders are not limited to the afterlife but to this life as well. For some reason I like to fence myself in. I’m more comfortable. Perhaps I can’t wrap my mind around all that space. So, I build a little kingdom for myself, and miss out on the higher ground. It is a small price to pay. It means I don’t have to participate in all that hard work. I don’t have to love people. I don’t have to spend any time or effort with orphans and widows… yadda yadda. I don’t need to worry about spiritual warfare and all that scary end times stuff. I’m not any where near battle. Isn’t that only for certain ‘called’ people any way?

Any way, this post is really just complaining about complaining. I don’t even really know how to end it… just admitting some fault in myself in hope that it pushes me out into the wide open space that I have been called to.